What If?

Lately a lot of “what if’s” have been racing through my mind. “What if I can’t handle college?” “What if I’m not successful?” “What if I’ve worked this hard, only to fall flat on my face and fail?” “What if things change?”

I’ve always been a worrier. As long as I can remember, I’ve always thought things down to the minute details, always considering, and preparing for, the worst of possibilities. I’m pretty sure it runs in the family. But now, more than ever, the “what if’s” are rearing their ugly face. Maybe it’s because of graduation looming in the distance. Don’t get me wrong; I’m excited to graduate. I’m excited to step into the “real” world. I’m excited to meet new people and experience things on my own, but I also feel this fear. Fear that once I’m out of the safe haven I call high school, that I won’t know what to do with myself.

I’ve never been a big fan of change. I like staying in my little protective niche. I don’t like venturing beyond these boundaries of my home, of school, of my small little life here in this small little town. I’m afraid that, once things change, I won’t be able to keep up and I’ll fall. Hard. And most of all, I’m afraid of failure. Failing to achieve those lofty goals I’ve set for myself during my time here. I’m afraid that, if I should fail, that I won’t maintain the sense of pride others have placed in me. That I will be unsuccessful in my ventures into this strange new world. That I will lose the respect I have worked so hard to achieve. And I’m afraid that, once lost, that there will be no way to regain it.

I’ve always worked hard. Mainly to prove to myself that I can be better, that I can always do better. And here in my miniscule world, I have held this true. But I fear that once I leave this place of comfort, that I will no longer be able to complete this goal. I have gained the respect and pride of many, but I fear that my failure is imminent and I will lose all that I have worked so hard to achieve. Because the real world is nothing like this place I call home.

I fear that I will fail, now more than ever. And I feel that if I do, I will be letting so many people down. And I fear this the most. I’ve always been a people pleaser. I work hard in order to show people all that I can be; and it seems that I have succeeded at this. However, with my future fast approaching, I fear that I will no longer be able to do so with the success that I have in the past prided myself on. “The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity.” I know that I have created my future, both in my mind and in my will, but what if I fail? What if this creation that I have carefully sculpted all of my life blows up in my face, and I’m left in the cold, on my own, lost in this crazy world without any idea of what I should do? I fear this.

“Let others lead small lives, but not you. Let others argue over small things, but not you. Let others cry over small hurts, but not you. Let others leave their future in someone else's hands, but not you.” I will hold my own fragile future in my feeble hands, and do everything I can to not fail. But I know that no matter where I go, that feeling, that worry, those “what if’s?” will follow me.

I will lead no small life. I will be great. I will be known. I will be the change I wish to see in the world. It is this that is my mantra, my nindo, my peace, and my comfort. These words are my protection against the terrible reality of this world I am about to enter into. And I tell myself this every day. And I fear no more. (For the time being of course)