I turned 18 today. At midnight, November 29, 2009, I became a man. And it was exciting to say the least. At first. And then I realized the ugly truth. No more are the innocent days of my youth. I hold myself responsible now. I am in charge of me. No one else. And that thought is what scares me. Now, I answer to myself. I can make decisions. Ones that could affect my life forever. I can vote. I can enlist. I can smoke. I can gamble. I can buy aerosol whipped cream. I can take my life in my own hands. And that scares me.
My mom had me at an early age. And she did a damn good job of raising me. My grandma was there the whole time, encouraging me, coaching her, as her rock, her guardian angel. For the longer story click here. And I am ever grateful to both of them, among the many aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, and great grandparents who made me who I am today. But now, it’s just me. And myself. And I. I am responsible for my actions, I am the man they raised, but I am living my life, without their wing over me anymore. I am under my own umbrella, and when I look up at it, I realize something. There’s nothing there. Nothing to protect me. I must fabricate my own protection, my own umbrella. I have the choice of size, of color, of texture, of thickness. I am making my own world. And that scares me.
I am the creator of my own realm. I make my choices, and am responsible for them. And that scares me. But one thing gives me solace. I know that no matter where I am, no matter where I go, and no matter what I do, I will always have my friends, but most importantly, my family. My family, whether living or passed away, will always look out for me; I have no doubt in this. And I know that all I need to do is call, and ask, and I will be surrounded by them, comforting me, encouraging me, being my rock, and my guardian angels. Because I live in a family that emphasizes love above all else. My great grandpa, possibly the greatest man I’ll ever know, told me something. “Life is never about the money that you have in the bank or your wallet. It’s about your family and the love you share. “ And by this set of standards, I’d say I’ve got it pretty good. And that comforts me.
Today, on November 29th, 2009, I became a man. I am responsible for myself. But I know that everything will be ok because I have the best thing anyone can ask for - the love of his family. And that comforts me.
Here's a little secret: You'll still feel this way in your 30's, 40's, 50's.
ReplyDeleteNot the vampires, Josh, but Time. Remember that.
Love you so much and have been so blessed to have you in my life.